Sweet Bites

What I'm Up To

2012-02-10T02:55:00.000-08:00

Hope that the beginning of the new year has been good to you all :)
We're off to a slow start, a family member suffering from a terminal illness so things have been a bit all over the place seeing we are doing some travel etc....

So unfortunately I haven't gotten back into the swing of requests in groups & WWOs over at Misfits. I'm hoping to soon when I get more time but as those of you in misfits know, I've been just plodding along & leaving some gifts instead when I get the time ;)

I've even managed a couple of valentine's style tags (one of which I'll be posting a preview of soon) which is a surprise I think to just about everyone, including myself lol

So apart from the gifties & my CT requirements, I haven't done much else.

Tagging Previews & News

2012-01-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

While I've been away, that doesn't mean I haven't been tagging lol

I have & have a ton of new ones I'm going to load into my preview slideshow but I wanted to show off just a couple of my recent favs below :)

You can click the thumbnail previews below to get a better look at the tubes/scraps used as well as artist info etc.....

Now onto some exciting news :) My dear friend, Stina who I've known for quite a few years now invited me to join her CT team. So now, my tags can be previewed along with the great tags, tutes etc.... as the rest of her & Tootypup's team. Not only will it make sure I don't hit the total mojo slump like I do sometimes (who could with all the awesome kits these 2 ladies have?) but I'm looking forward to it a lot :)

You can view all the wicked tutes & cool looking tags made at the blog below: http://pamperedpupsct.blogspot.com/

Been A Loooong Time lol

2012-01-01T07:54:00.000-08:00

It's been a really long time between posts & I'm so sorry for that.
Unfortunately, most of it comes down to illness & pure laziness lol

The illness bit, part of it is down still to complications from my gallbladder removal (amazing how something so stupid can be such a PITA). It pretty much left me with the odd spasm still & a case of IBS which so isn't fun. Luckily, I can pretty much handle it with the standard over the counter stuff & watching what I eat.

The big this is that mid year, I was sent to a specialist because my doc thought I was suffering from Graves Disease. Turns out that wasn't what I had but in fact have autoimmune thyroiditis aka Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Pretty much means instead of my counts being one way or the other, my count goes up & down, constantly changing because my body attacks the thyroid hormones. Thankfully, after 6 months of specialist appointments every 6 weeks, changes in meds etc.... things are evening out count wise.

The thing that drives me dotty is some of the effects of the issue & the meds. I've been very lucky to avoid most of the extreme ones, mainly getting stuck with fatigue, insomnia & headaches but the hair thining/loss sucks more sometimes lol I've been also lucky that my family & hubby have been a big support, especially when I have days when I just can't make myself move cause I'm so tired or am up half the night, driving everyone bonkers cause I just can't fall asleep (having one of those nights tonight & it's currently 3am).

With all that finally in hand, we've been dealing with a typical Christmas here.
My great uncle (my grandma's brother) who has been fighting bowel cancer for a couple of years now is at the end. When they told him a couple of months ago that it had flared up again, he made the choice not to take any medication. A visit to hospital a couple of weeks ago to have a blockage removed, his tests showed the cancer had spread to his liver & lungs. Just tonight my grandma rang to say that she's been told family need to visit over the next couple of days. There is talk about them releasing him Wednesday but from the sound of it, it doesn't seem like they expect him to live that long.

Unfortunately, it's not a good time for us with that on top of this week being our daughter's 3rd Anniversary. Sometimes, we all find it hard to believe that it's been that long since she was born/passed. Especially seeing in that time so many of my friends my age have had children or currently have babies. Of course, our first priority was my health at the moment but we're hoping that after my next general appointment in Feb (if my counts have gone back to normal instead of my cells being high like they have been) that maybe we could end up with finally some good luck, being able to give kids another shot hopefully.

There's been a ton more go on, including some cool PSPing news that I have but that can wait until my next entry lol And I promose it won't been almost 12 months again but only a couple of days lol

I'm Now A Deviant (Art)

2011-02-08T01:08:00.000-08:00

I'm now a deviant lol
And for those with a dirty mind, not that type lol

As most people who know me know, I've been PSPing for over 8 years now but I've always had one thing I've HATED with a passion & that was doing anything that involved blending or manipulating images. Mainly, because I can't tube to save my life so I always found them incredibly hard and then just couldn't be bothered.

Well, I've taken the plunge & given it a shot.
Nothing's perfect but for a first couple of peices, I think they're not too bad.
I'm looking forward now to learning some new techniques etc... and expanding my knowledge.

You can see my creations HERE

Ipod Playlist

2011-02-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

I can't say much of interest has been going on lately (other than a couple of family things) but I did have someone ask me the other day that with my taste in tagging, seeing I love doing anything from cuties to gothic through to AC & even the odd EAC tag that my ipod playlist must be a jumble of different things lol

True, I listen to what I happen to like at the moment & some of it is a bit diverse so below I'm going to share what's on my current 'on the go' list :)

According To You - Orianthi
Ashes To Ashes - Faith No More
Before I'm Dead - Kidneythieves
Believe - The Bravery
Beware Of The Dog - Jamelia
Black Fingernails, Red Wine - Eskimo Joe
Brutal Planet - Alice Cooper
Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
Bury Me Alive - We Are The Fallen
Closer - NIN
Dark Chest Of Wonders - Nightwish
Deep - NIN
Desire - Gavin Rossdale
Destroy Everything You Touch - Ladytron
Devil In The Details - Placebo
Down With The Sickness - Disturbed
Dream On - Aerosmith
Emergency - Aimee Allen
Enter Sandman - Metallica
For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert
Frantic - Metallica
Freeky People - Kidneythieves
Going Under - Evanescence
Heart Shaped Scars - Lullacry
High Hopes - Nightwish
I Stand Alone - Godsmack
In The Arms Of Rain - HIM
Innocent - Our Lady Peace
Save Yourself - Stabbing Westward
Say You'll Haunt Me - Stone Sour
Steal My Romance - Ghosts On The Radio
Survive - Lacuna Coil
Tonight - Dommin
Under The Rose - HIM
Undisclosed Desires - Muse
Uprising - Muse
Vow - Garbage
Whisper In The Chaos - Lullacry

Okay, I tend to lean towards the metal/alternative type but even I have a few surprises up my sleeves some days lol Actually, my playlist usually depends on what story I'm working on at the moment & what section I'm up to. So all I can say is that it's likely to change in a week lol

New Year

2011-01-16T03:37:00.000-08:00

With the Christmas rush & some personal issues happening, I never got around to updating again before Christmas so I'm currently playing catch up all over the place.

I plan on showing off some new tags etc.... in the near future, hopefully by the end of the month.
For the moment, if anyone is looking for something interesting, I can recommend taking a browse through the blogs I have listed to the right :) Some great scrap kits, tutes etc.... can be found through them.

Hugs

No, Twilight Is Not My Fav Series

2010-10-11T02:06:00.000-07:00

It's strange how you can just about hear the gasps if you're female & you say 'Twilight' is not one of your fav book series lol

Don't get me wrong, I read the books, enjoyed them - have seen all 3 movies etc.... but they are not my fav teen/young adult series which seems to shock people in itself with it still being all the craze. Is a bit ironic seeing my new layout is Twilight themed though lol

I had someone ask me then, what were the ones I'd pick that I'd enjoyed more so for those interested (and I'm a bit reader) here they are:

Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare
Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead
Fallen series by Lauren Kate
Strange Angels series by Lili St Crow
Maximum Ride series by James Patterson
Nightworld series by LJ Smith

Notice that I didn't list the Vampire Diaries either? Not that I didn't enjoy them as well as LJ Smith's Dark Visions & Secret Circle trilogies.

If we're talking adult books, I can say that I recommend:
The Dresden Files series by Jim Butcher
Anita Blake series by Laurel K Hamilton
Alex Cross series by James Patterson

And with that, I'm nicking off to my warm bed & my current book lol

R.I.P Kiah

2010-09-26T03:29:00.000-07:00

We had a bit of a shock Friday night.

Our old gal, Kiah had a fall, broke her back and passed away.
It all happened so quick. One minute, hubby shouted out that she'd fallen from a bit of furniture and that she couldn't move. In the time it took us to get the address of the 24 hour vet and throw on some clothes, she'd already gone.

To say it shocked us was an understatement.
We didn't expect her to have years left seeing her nose and ears have been pre-cancerous at lesat since she first came to live with all of but for her to go suddenly, it was a surprise.
The vets were really good though. They just confirmed that she'd passed away, which we could tell anyway from the way she looked and asked us what we wanted to do. We didn't want cremation or to take her home, put her in our backyard so we just went with their general burial service.

And poor lil Malcolm saw the whole thing.
He watched us leave with her & when we returned, he was sitting by the front door, waiting for us to come home with her, which of course we didn't. He immediatly came to me, wanting cuddles and went between hubby and I for the whole evening. When he wasn't doing that, he was wandering around, looking for her. The good thing is that although he's fretting, it's not to the extent where we're worried about his health. He's still eating/drinking fine.
It broke my heart last night though, watching him run down the hallway, trying to play with himself where as before, he would have chased her. In the end, he just sat there, making sounds.

So was not a good start to the weekend.

Chained By Schnegge Result

2010-09-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

Most people know me as someone into the gothy/halloween side of tagging & I've just done an awesome tute today :)

I don't usually followe tutes and it's been a long time since I've done one almost to a T lol
But I loved this awesome tute written by Schnegge called Chained.
Just in time for October & spookiness.

If you want to give it a shot yourself, you can have a go HERE
My result is below, using the awesome art of Jeffrey Scott.
Image has been resized to fit.

It's Been Awhile

2010-09-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Sure has been awhile.

Started off first with a new layout.
Yep, I'm one of those Twilight nuts lol
But I'm not an overboard one - love the books, enjoy the movies but I still love my other vampires. Currently reading 'Night Watch' along with a couple of other books & so far, it's fantastic.

Would you believe it, I ended up sick again?
Actually, not really again but has continuing issues after having my gallbladder out. By mid year, I was back at the docs again & sent on to a specialist who put me in day surgery. Turns out I still had a ton of crap left in my duct from the first bought of endoscopic surgery. When the first lot went looking for that stone & didn't find it, they still left everything else behind. The specialist was not impressed.

So I'm on the mend again finally :)
The worst part is that now, I pretty much have inflamation & the odd lil spasm. Almost no spasms now which is good but got told I could have discomfort on & off until my spleen/liver inflamation dies down. Got warned it would probably take between 6-12 months but there's not much I can do about it. Just love my heat back, ice pack & the panadol when I feel uncomfortable. Usually, it's mainly when the weather gets wacky or my hormones change (so I'm twice the nightmare I was when I'm PMSing at the moment, poor hubby lol) but generally doesn't stop me from doing too much. Just have to be careful if lifting or running around not to over do it or I pay for it that night.

My mother has been very sick since returning from her trip to Europe mid year. She ended up with pneumonia & an infection. Had a hospital stay for about 5 days. She's been confined to home ever since & is still have some tests done. Looks like the changes in some of her meds are playing havoc with her diabetes. Not too bad, thankfully but enough that her sugar is high for her. My FIL has been in & out of hospital too as well as my father's cousin. Also, a close family friend, her daughter is going through a rough time at the moment & has to have a surgical procedure down over the next four weeks so for anyone I know who prays, please keep her in your thoughts. She's only in her early 20's & what she's going through isn't nice, especially for someone her age.

Been back into the PSPing & the writing :)
Have decided to show off a few more of my creations at odd times so I'm not just boring everyone with my mundane thoughts lol

And our furbabies are doing fine :)
Malcolm is happy & healthy (even if he is fuzzy & big - but he's not fat thankfully). Kiah we have found out is allergic to fleas which is a pain in the bum but cancer wise, she's doing well. No big changes in her ears or nose yet so looks like the old gal will be around for awhile still to come which is good news.

Ashley's Anniversary

2010-01-05T15:20:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was Ashley's anniversary.
I can't believe it's already been one year since I gave birth to our sleeping daughter.
I can't believe that this time last year I was sitting there, waiting for my parents & husband to pick me up & bring me home - without our lil girl.

We went out to the lake yesterday morning & scattered some rose petals like we did when we knew they had scattered her ashes. We then spent the day together, keeping occupied. We had lunch out & went to see a funny movie. So the day passed without us spending it alone & just in misery. We were sad & upset, no doubt about that but we wanted to spend it together to remind us that we still have each other as well.

I had a lot of friendly support from family, old friends & new friends which was lovely. It's always nice to know that you don't have to suffer through something so horrible by yourself with just you & your partner. However, the one person I thought I would hear from, not a peep. Now I know she's busy with her baby who was born in November but after having a miscarriage herself & having known her for over 10 years, I thought I would have a message of some form. I didn't need a book, just was hoping for a lil something. I've been feeling a bit left out of it all lately. I didn't know she'd had the baby until over a week after he was born & I found out via FB which I have to admit hurt. And coming up to Christmas, everything has been about babies. I don't begrudge them their happiness but I thought that we'd get a lil bit of support.

Can Christmas Be Over With Please?

2009-12-21T01:28:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling pretty crummy this week.
Everyone's getting ready for Christmas with their family, children etc....

And I have one friend say to me in amazement that in the groups we both share, '75 of us have had kids & have babies this Christmas'. Correction - 75 of us had babies. 74 of us have babies this Christmas. My daughter is the only one not here.

Had been feeling not too bad about it all, was dreading NY & the 5th of Jan more until then. Now I'm just feeling pretty crap instead. Thank goodness we're having a quiet, family Christmas without all the hoo haa cause I sure don't want to play 'happy, happy - joy, joy' at the moment. I just want the next 2/3 weeks over & done with - Christmas, her birth etc.... I just want all those dates that were so horrible for us last year/this year gone & behind me.

Arrival Of Nicolas & A Rant

2009-12-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

Just a bit of a quickie & a rant & rave today lol

First bit of news is that my friend Helen had her baby. A lil boy, Nicolas Same. He arrived a month early via a ceasar seeing she contracted severe pre-eclampsia at week 35. He stayed in hospital for almost 2 weeks but he's home as of the other day.

Now the venting part. I have a lot of anti-abortion friends & while I always respect everyone's oppinion, it's very hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut at the moment when they are all up in arms about the issue in the US. I'm pro-choice - though I do not agree with using abortion as a contraceptive device as some people seem to think it is. But I do believe in the choice. And especially for medical reasons after what happened to me. If abortion was illegal, our daughter had she lived through me giving birth to her would have been in horrible pain until she passed away (we had to have our case go before a hospital board, their obstetrics board & the state before anything could even be approved as an option). Our medical termination just gave us the choice to not inflict extra suffering on her & that was all the choice was. To have her in pain or give her what lil peace we could - an easy choice in my husband's & my view. She was brain dead from hydrocephalus so we had no survival options. While I respect my anti-abortion friend's points of view, not one of them has had to experience what we did & you have no idea how you would react to something like this until it happens to you. When a healthy or live baby is not even an option, well with us it became what was right for our daughter as I'm sure most other parents would agree that their children come first.

So I'm a lil riled up & on edge at the moment after the last couple of weeks of bombardment. More so I think because we're coming up to Christmas, New Years & of course the first anniversary of her passing. Hits more of a raw nerve than usually that sort of things does. Most of the time, I can let it drift off like water off a ducks back because we are confident that we made the right choices but with thinking about Ashley too at the moment, for people who don't know what it's like to have to make any choice like that judging me for caring about my daughter's suffering it's just really getting up my nose.

But the flip side of the coin is that the majority of my friends in RL & online all understand the choice we made & why. It's those friends who make it easier to get through those rough spots when I just feel like wishing that I could magically let these people experience it all. The heartache, the loss knowing that the child inside you is dead & then of course having to give birth knowing that you're planning your child's funeral or service instead of a homecoming. Maybe then they wouldn't be so quick to judge those of us who make these choices not to benefit ourselves but for our lil angels.

Been Almost 4 Months.....

2009-11-02T05:33:00.000-08:00

I thought it was about time to play some catch up lol
I'm so sorry it's been a long time since I've updated but with good reason.

First, I couldn't shake that chest infection I had & ended up back at the docs without results. 2 weeks after that when I was still in pain, I went to my old doc (who my mother & brothers still see). He gave me antibiotics which cleared it up & I felt great for all of about 2 days before ending up in pain again.

The first weekend in September, I was rushed to the hospital & immediatly admitted cause I was turning yellow. Blood tests showed my liver wasn't working properly & scans showed the reason - I had a stack of lil gall stones & one that had lodged in my bile duct. I spent the father's day weekend in hospital & was sent home a couple of days later to go back at the end of the week for endoscopic surgery to remove it. So I was all set for that & my appointment with the surgeon who was going to remove my gall bladder that same day. Turned out the stone had moved but they still enlarged the duct & poked around. Unfortunatly for me, they induced a pain attack so bad that by the time I met with the doctor, it was so bad I was physically sick. He rushed me into the private hospital to stabalise me so I spent another weekend in hospital.

It was another 2 weeks before I saw him again (cause he was on leave) & got my date for surgery. Had to go in a week after that for pain again which was no fun & I was feeling pretty crappy by then. Couldn't eat 95% of things & was pretty much stuck with bread, icecream, soup & chicken (lost 13 kilos during that time which is going on towards 25 pounds).

Finally, the stupid thing came out on the 14th of October. Keyhole surgery thank goodness & no problems with either the surgery or the anaesthetic. I got moved from the surgery ward though cause of space & my poor mother & hubby were really worried cause guess where they put me - the maternity wing. My mother spoke to the nurse on duty though & explained how we'd lost our daughter earlier on in the year & the whole time I was there, the nurses were great. They made sure my door was always closed to give me quiet & at night gave me thick earplugs & sleeping pills so that I would sleep the whole night without having to lay there & listen to the babies cry. They only kept me 2 days & then it was recovering at home which drove me dotty seeing I'd already been stuck at home for so long. My mother has been fantastic, doing the cleaning & helping out so much. Not to mention with how slow I was getting around, mainly due to all the bruising on my right side from where my drainage was. Omg the tube was massive that the nurse removed & all the nurses talked about it that whole day. She reckoned it was the longest one she'd ever removed from a patient.

So it's been 3 weeks on Wednesday & all is going well:) I had my post op appointment at the start of last week & got the all clear:) Still have to behave myself for the next 4-6 weeks. No bending down low, lifting anything heavy or a ton of physical strain but everything was healing nicely. Not bruised so much now either & 3/4 of my incisions are pretty much healed. Just have to watch my belly button one seeing I had some deep stitches but that's on the mend too:)

As am I - finally!
And would you believe that in amongst all that I missed my birthday? We are yet to really celebrate it. Missed father's day (which hubby was thankful for cause he was too busy worrying about me to feel sad about father's day without Ashley he said) & celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary weekend just gone. Well, at least I was well enough for us to actually go out for lunch even if we couldn't spend too much time out or doing anything overly exciting lol

Uugghh Monday

2009-07-26T22:36:00.001-07:00

The week was actually looking like a winner - for all of half a day.

I have a friend from my childhood (our mother's were friends) & my heart just aches for him at the moment. We've known each other since we were young, over 20 years & I so wish there was something more I could do for him. His partner left, taking their 5 month old with her. Although she is not keeping his son from him, it's not the same as living with him. He sounds so depressed & shattered but I know there's nothing anyone could say to him at the moment that would make him feel any better. I don't know what it's like to not have your child with you in that way but I do know how much it breaks your heart when your child isn't there when they should be.

Boy do I know what that's like, but I wish there was something I could do.
When I was 19 & lost my boyfriend at the time, I can still remember my mother driving me over there the next day & he spent the whole day with me. He didn't have to - but he did, just letting me cry, rant,rave & what ever I wanted to do. I really wish that there was something I could do for him, like he did for me that day.

Welcome to another crapola week from the sound of it.

Do I Really Want To Do It?

2009-07-26T04:45:00.000-07:00

Half way through hubby's time off.
Which now means that I haven't tagged pretty much since I was sick on June. I've made one since then but have had no inclination to make a heap, fill requests etc....

I've been thinking about it a lot since I was sick (the 2nd time, I've now been sick 3 times in the last 5/6 weeks) & I just don't have the wish to sit through tons of emails. I have my fav groups, don't get me wrong but I don't really want to be so far behind in my mail or with everything else. Honestly, I've spent more time catching up with family, chatting with a few mates on FB, writing, reading etc.... generally doing so many of the things I spent more time doing before I got obsessed with tagging.

I couldn't give it up -
But I think next week when my standard computer is set up again, I will give a lot of that sort of thing up. I still have my 2 fav forums, my own groups & a couple of others that I'll stay with but the others, I think I'll just leave or be a regular member if I enjoy the group.

There's a lot going on at the moment - we've got sick family, including my mother, hubby's grandfather & my mother's aunt who has had her surgery delayed due to other issues that her docs aren't happy about. Hubby has been dealing with arthritis & gout. Next week, we also get back the results of his mole removal last week to see if it's cancerous. My youngest brother is talking about returning to basketball (a good thing cause we were all sad to see him leave it) so of course, we'll support him in any way that we can.

Last week, we got an invite back to the Women's Hospital for their annual memorial service for the parents who have lost children. We're not sure if we want to go but cause it's a RSVP event, we thought at least if we sent in our info & we did decide to go, that was done. We're still waiting for call backs about counselling. We've rung 3 times & while I understand that couples where the loss is more immediate need to talk to someone more, it's important for us too seeing it involved hubby drinking again.

So at the moment, I'm tired.
Tired, cranky & honest generally feeling too selfish. In the past, even if I was meant to be sick in bed, I would sneak out & fiddle in PSP even when I shouldn't but at the moment, I would much rather stay in the warm or doing other things that I'm involved in. Since I started it all, back before I was even engaged to hubby, I took almost no time off (cept for our 10 day NZ trip) & even only 2-3 weeks when we lost Ashley. So honestly at the moment I really don't think 5-6 weeks is too much to ask for myself.

That Lil Spark

2009-07-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

And that lil spark is a dear friend's daughter, Elizabeth Rose.

The poor girl has grown up without her parents. Her father died in an accident before she was born (he never knew he was going to be a daddy) & her mother passed away roughly 7/8 years ago from heart complications, not helped by her 2 agressive boughts with cancer so she's no stranger to losing her own loved ones.

But she is someone her parents would be so proud of. A kind, thoughtful young lady who slowly is gaining her father's wicked sense of humour.

I opened my mail to find a voice email from her this afternoon. Her grandma emails me often, telling me how she's getting on etc... so I've kept in touch via that way & vice versa. Her family knows what's been happening with me. She told me she was sending hugs to me (I know her grandma told her not long ago about our baby - she just explained that it wasn't her time so she was now an angel). And that she'd lit the candle on her cupcake on the 4th of July (when Ashley would have been born if everything had been ok & according to plan like he thought & not the way things had happened) & sent special birthday wishes to our baby who would be taken care of by her mum until we could be with her again.

To say I'm sitting her crying is an understatement. Sad for our baby but happy too & proud of the kind hearted woman that Liz is slowly becoming. I just know that her own mum & dad would be looking down on her, so proud of her themselves.

For someone who is so young & already lost so much, she still has the heart & kindness to think about others. Even me who I'm sure, she doesn't even remember meeting seeing she was very young the last time I saw her.

So much has gone wrong this year & the last couple of months that I'd been just waiting, searching & hoping for some lil spark in that darkness & that dear child is the one who just gave it to me. I had really been getting to the point where I was starting to just feel like all I was doing was wallowing in all the sadness & not having much at all to drag me through it & out the other side.

Then I heard from that lil angel & her few short words were enough for me to see that maybe we might be due for a change in luck soon. Or at least, I hope so.

Further Down The Spiral ....

2009-06-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

What a week!
And I'm not sure which emotion I feel the most at the moment.

The something hubby had to tell me about was that he'd fallen off the wagon & gotten drunk. He came home drunk & walked straight into an AA meeting but to say I was shocked was an understatement.

Also, he still hasn't really dealt with Ashley.
A week ago is the first time I've heard him call her by her name & talk about her (cause I made him ring up the SIDS line & talk to someone cause there's nothing much more I can talk to him about) so we're back in the midst of dealing with everything again. So the last week, I've been crying off & on again which is something I hadn't done for at least 6 weeks. I would get upset, by some thing wouldn't set me off - now everything does again.

Our baby plans are on hold again too obviously.
And this is partly cause hubby has to go in to the docs next month to have a growth removed from his forehead. The doc has been watching it & is concerned that it could be cancerous because he can now see veins below the surface. Hubby doesn't seem worried at the moment but then again I can do enough worrying for the 2 of us.

This next part, I'm a mess over at the moment because I'm happy, but I can't help feeling our loss again too. My closest friend has just told me she's 14 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her & her husband, don't get me wrong on that. They deserve some happiness - she had a miscarriage last year not long before I found out I was pregnant. But I'm sad too - it makes me think of Ashley & what we should have by now. Maybe it would be easier for me, as tough as it is if I would have had a miscarriage, like the docs were surprised I didn't. Then I would have never seen her on the scans, heard her heart beat etc.... So I'm sitting here, wishing my lil girl was with me & at the same time, feeling like a bitch because I'm crying. I know my friend understands how hard it's all been & I feel lousy because she also told me she understands that I probably aren't ready to talk about it yet, which I'm not.

No, It's Not Easier For Me

2009-06-17T01:27:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin tonight.
I've just had hubby on the phone to me, crying down it saying that I may have made it through Mother's Day but that he can't make it through Father's Day.

I don't know what happened today (he's currently on the way home) but for him to think that I made it through last month easily, he is so far off this planet. I don't know how often I've tried to get him to talk & he tunes out or suggested meetings (such as the SIDS father's ones) & he just goes yeah maybe later. There's only so much I can have an inkling of cause I'm not a guy. Just as he's got no idea what it was like for me to carry the baby those few short days, knowing she was gone. Or the experience of giving birth, knowing that when it was all over, they would not be coming back into the room with our baby.

I talk about her & I cry about her all the time because that's the only way I can cope from day to day without falling into tiny pieces or feeling like someone ripped out my heart 24/7. But to think that I've made it through any of it easier than he may have?

And at the moment, every day is harder.
If everything had been fine & I had been just 13 weeks along during that scan, right now, she would be born in roughly 2 weeks. Watching other ladies who were pregnant at the same time start to have their babies & talking about them arriving is almost as hard as it was that first night in the hospital when I was all alone after Ashley had been born.

Hubby is going to be home in about half an hour & wants to talk when he gets home. So I'm just a mess - on top of already feeling like I've been hit by a truck & feeling sick.

How Could Anyone Be So Cruel?

2009-06-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

We've been plodding along lately, busy with the bathroom, busy with family being sick, busy with work, bills, cats etc..... But I hadn't minded that cause keeping busy is what keeps me going some days.

Checking email this morning, yet another reminder of how crap our start to the year was. I'd gotten to the stage where there were times, I managed to get through some things without bursting into tears & I've been doing well with the small things. I could even talk about the pregnancy & giving birth some days without wanting to scream & bang my head against a brick wall. Then the bomb always drops & boy did it big time this morning & from one of my so called friends.

I got bombarded with bragging & a ton of pictures of her giving birth/showing off her new daughter. I was half holding it together until at the bottom of the email was written 'don't you wish she was yours?' To say it was like a knife in the gut is a complete understatement. I didn't think much at first - just kinda froze & then thought well, maybe it's a general email to everyone so I checked. Nope - I was the only that got that particular one.

If it had been sent to everyone, I would have had a bit of a cry & then been alright. But just sent to me? I checked with another friend, who had gotten an email from the same person. She had got all the same pictures, all the same email, minus that last line. I don't understand how anyone could be so down right cruel on purpose!

I'm sure as anyone would tell you, losing a child in any capacity is like having your heart ripped out. You have so many expections & love already so to have all those dreams disappear in a second, is just the worst thing I've ever experienced. To have someone send something so awful & malicious on purpose? Well, they're not even human in my books.

I would never, EVER wish what happened to my hubby, family & I to happen to anyone but sometimes, I'd love for people like her to walk just one day in my shoes. Not necessarily the day our angel was born, but maybe later down the track when it hits you like a mack truck that you're a mother without your baby. Maybe then they'd think twice about sending something like that.

Dale - This Round Belongs To You lol

2009-06-01T00:58:00.000-07:00

My brother & I had a barney this morning discussing the MTV Movie Awards lol

He told me not to bother, it would be ruled by teenagers voting on a name. Silly me, told him no people would still vote on merrit like it was when I first started watching them in the 90's.

Dale, this round belongs to you buddy rofl

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/movieawards/2009/winners.jhtml

Don't get me wrong - I loved Twilight & I am a Twilight night (ask my hubby rofl) but I believe that it was not worthy of winning some of the categories & I sure didn't vote for it just cause it was nominated everywhere. And I think it says it all if Miley Cyrus can take out 'Best Song' lol But I was pleased to see that Heath won Best Villain.

Give me the good ole days when MTV was full of music, diverse & individual. Not now where it's all reality TV, pop, rap & dance.

Or am I just getting to the age where they'll ask 'who's that?' of NIN or Metallica lol

Fan Listings / Catch Up

2009-05-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Finally decided to get off my bum & organise/fix up the fan listings that I belong to lol
Only taken me 18 months.
So I left some, stayed in some & added a couple of new ones.
Not all of them are showing or I'd have a blogger full of them lol But my favs are featured:)

Nothing much else happening.

Bathroom is almost finished. Hubby is going to paint this afternoon & the new curtains are going up & then it's all done (well, apart from the last lil bit of clean up & putting some stuff back).

We won't have issues or crap from my MIL for awhile. Hubby's told her when we see her, it will be 1. If we're available (not just because she says so) and 2. Not in our home (when she invited herself for her bday next week without even bothing to ask us, that really bugged us). So it will be all quiet on that front.

Bathroom Update

2009-05-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

And we're almost there:)
The last of the tiling was done on Saturday (shown in the pics below) & the grouting is getting done right now this morning.
Only the last of the plumbing & then the painting left after that.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud of myself - I got through Mother's Day without falling into a complete total mess.
It wasn't easy by far. The last week was pure hell because it didn't matter where I went (even supermarket shopping) or what channel I was watching on the television, everything was Mother's Day. It was driving me off my rocker, I can tell you. That was why I'd made sure that I'd already shopped etc... for my own mum. I had no idea how I was going to handle it all. It's only been just over 4 months.

We didn't have to worry about hubby's mum - she threw a tantrum when he explained to her we wanted to spend the day by ourselves. It was all 'her' day & no one else mattered. Didn't matter that there was my mum or 2 grandma's as well. It never even occurred to her to think of what it would be like for hubby & I (but then she'd have to acknowledge that Ashley was born for that). Hubby had to just about draw her a picture to get her to understand why we wanted to be alone. She finally said 'all right, but I'm not happy about it'. Neither of us cared that she wasn't happy - she could give up one Mother's Day under these circumstances.

Hubby & my mum looked after me all day, making sure I was alright. My mum even bought me flowers which was nice. I hadn't expected anything but just cause my child isn't with me, doesn't mean I wasn't & I'm not a mum. Hubby let me sleep in & then took me out for lunch. Mum rang in the morning to make sure I was doing all right. We chose to still keep our Sunday night dinner with my folks so we didn't have to worry about cooking.

We discussed going out to the memorial park but decided to leave it a week seeing everyone would have had similar ideas for yesterday. So we're going out next weekend instead so we can have a lil bit more privacy & it won't be quite so crowded.

Bathroom Renovations & Mother's Day

2009-05-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

We're in the middle of renovating our bathroom so at the moment, the house is just a total mess. Dust everywhere, boxes etc... The bath has been put in & the tiles have started going down. The floor was laid this morning

We've had my brother's birthday last month, followed by this weekend, my grandma's my other brother's on Tuesday & of course Mother's Day.

I'm not really coping with that. I pretend I am to everyone but at the moment between all the advertising & pushing of it everywhere you go, it's just driving me off my rocker. And as stupid as it sounds, it's making me feel worse than any of the days I've gone through so far - including Ashley's birth & due date. Maybe because although the days were painful, there was no focus on them for the rest of the world. If we wanted to, for a few minutes we could switch off if we needed to. Now, it's just so in your face.

My mother & grandma have both been great. They understand that Sunday is not going to be easy on us, but especially for me. When hubby spoke to his mother, she couldn't see why we'd want to be alone but in the end begrudgingly said okay but let us know she wasn't happy about it. I don't friggin care! For one Mother's Day, she can give it up but I seriously doubt that our well being will cross her mind at all come Sunday.

I know that it all takes time but I'm sick of feeling like some emotional reject about it all. Something that I was fine talking about last week, may make me cry today. Or something that made me cry last week, might be okay today. And some people look at me as if to say it's been 5 months, get over it. How do you get over losing a child? Even one you never met? If there was some easy, happy pill solution, I'd sure like to know about it. But there's not. They can gripe all they want about my 'moods' but of course, most of them get off here & see/care for their children. They in turn whinge about things that don't matter - like they had to have a c section instead of a natural birth or that they're not getting any sleep because the baby keeps them awake. What I wouldn't give for those sleepless nights!

Easter Visits & Could Be Some News Coming

2009-04-11T16:08:00.001-07:00

We made it through the MIL visit relatively unscathed thank goodness. She arrived late as usual - was meant to be here mid afternoon & arrived about half an hour before we dished up tea.

Can't say that her conversation overly pleased either hubby or myself. She kept talking about the arrangements for hubby's grandfather's funeral - mind you, the poor man isn't even dead yet & already the family are fighting over it, some of them ignoring his wishes (that must be a familiar family trait amongst my MIL & her sibblings). The poor man is actually rallying & having a few good days seeing he's started new antibiotics. The docs had given him until June/July before they thought he'd pass away (he's got pancreatic cancer & that doesn't include all the heart attacks he's had over the last 10 years) but 90% of his direct family already have him dead & burried. They're fighting over his will (particularly his war medals) even though he's got a new one, exactly the way he wants it. Now, I'm a believer that you respect a person's will, no matter how it seems to anyone else & his will say compared to my grandmother's (which left my poor mother almost nothing of hers, even though it was my mother & I who cared for her during her final months) was totally sane. But I know hubby's family there's bound to be fighting to come.

Or talking about her boyfriend - who lives locally, she's been seeing for 2 months but neither of her sons have met. She won't introduce them to him, says she's afraid they'll offend him cause he's really, really religious. Well, if he's that way inclined, I'd probably just have to walk to offend him after our last few months (having had to have the late term termination with Ashley). We reckon that could be partly why his mother ignores everything to do with Ashley - it may clash with his beliefs & interests which is sad when your boyfriend takes a higher priority than a passed on grandchild.

And it's a bit scary at the moment for hubby & I.

Next week, in just over a week, we take our first monthly test but I think we won't get that far & we'll have to do it next week. It's only been 2 weeks since we've been able to start trying again & I have a funny feeling that I could be pregnant.

I was meant to get my period towards the end of the week just gone but didn't. Had a light bit of spotting, exactly the same as what I had when I originally discovered I was pregnant last time. There's no way I could even call what I had a period. Blink & you'd miss it. Can't say I've had an abundance of symptoms yet (cause it would only be just on 2 weeks) but the past couple of mornings when I wake at 4am, I'm starving & that too happened last time. And Malcolm won't come near my tummy - usually he's all over me like a rash but he's gone back to his trick of climbing onto the bed near my feet & he's back to popping his lil paw all over me when he's lying on the bed or sitting on the chair.

It's exciting - but I'm scared out of my mind as well seeing it looks like it all could have happened so fast. I just know if it is happening, that neither hubby nor I will feel comfortable until we've had a few scans & are well into it this time around. Which is why the decision - no family will know (cept my folks cause they'll be running me into the city for appointments) will know until I pass 22 weeks because I'm going to be monitered very closely by the hospital until then & through the rest of the pregnancy.

Ever Have One Of Those Weekends?

2009-04-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those weekends when you just feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall?

Friday, hubby rings his mum to ask her what time she'll be here Friday. She tells us she wants to be here Friday, Saturday & go home late Sunday. No regard that we have to actually see other family as well. He tells her no - she gets Friday as usual. My grandma has Saturday afternoon, his father & brother have Sunday morning & my folks have Sunday night. Not to mention Saturday morning hubby has a shrink appointment followed by him needing to get his pneumonia jab & me my flu one. She threw a hissy fit as usual.

So not looking forward to going round 2 in a few weeks time when she thinks she's organising us for Mother's Day. Hubby & I have already decided that apart from Sunday night tea with my folks as usual, we want the time to ourselves (my mother & grandma are supporting us with this). We're not sure how we'll feel or how we'll react so we want to spend some times together. It wouldn't even occur to my MIL to drop the 'look at me' act & realise it would have been Mother's Day for me too.

It gets better - I got banned from a forum yesterday. They had been discussing our new termination laws (which allow with doctor & hospital consent late term ones in situations like we faced) & there's just something about being told you're going to hell, a baby killer & don't deserve children that riles my goat. Especially when they don't know anyone's circumstances. Not to mention this same woman was nastily harrassing another young girl, only 19 who just last week had to have a termination for medical reasons. I really don't know whether I was more riled up for myself or the other poor girl but for once, I didn't keep my trap shut. I wasn't rude - just made a comment that it was unfair of her to judge when she 1) didn't know the circumstances behind any decision made & 2) that the way she spoke to people showed no respect to the parents, families or the children themselves. Result - I got told to leave & that I was being banned (mind you, this was supposedly one where all oppinions were welcome & no one would be judged on their religion or choices) while this rude cow didn't so much as get warned & kept at the young girl. I was more than happy to leave, after letting my own full circumstances known, which I hadn't first off & telling this so called woman that until she walked a mile in my shoes & had to make the decisions we made, she had no right to judge our choices. It was amazing the private response I got when I left supporting me.

And the trifecta came at the basketball last night lol I hadn't been back since our family left the club (I went to this game cause I thought there might be a punch up lol) & was looking forward to the game. But not the rude comment from one of the ladies I know down there. Okay - my tummy still hasn't quite lost all it's pregnancy shape (which grew over night after they had moved the baby around) & she nastily commented that I was so huge I looked pregnant. I just blankly stood there & told her that was because I had been. Then came another nasty comment, aimed at my hubby & I as well as how she felt sorry for the baby being born into our family & another one about me again which pretty much froze on the her face when I quietly told her about Ashley. I didn't stay after that - just walked out & left her there. She did look at me later on in the night & looked embarrassed but I don't really care - she had no respect for me in the first place so I sure don't need her so called sympathy.

So it's been one of those weekends lol

SIDS Tag

2009-03-26T22:52:00.001-07:00

An important cause to me & my family after what happened to me but one that I have always supported each year since I was a kid. Every year I buy a red nose, a ribbon or something else to do my lil bit for the cause.

Update

2009-03-26T22:37:00.001-07:00

Thought I'd do a quickie update:)
Hubby & I have been doing quite well the last few weeks.

At the end of Feb, I had my follow up at the hospital & all was well with me physically (in fact, I'm already straight back into my standard body cycle). And we also got all the results from their tests. The day I'd gone in for the procedure, when they'd drained the fluid from Ashley's head, they had also taken blood for further testing. As well, they had decided to test the placenta to see if there had been any complications in that area. Much to our relief, everything came back normal. There was nothing of concern in the placenta & there were no gentic or chromosone abnormalities in Ashley's blood.

For us, that is the bright spark in the dim tunnel. It was a weight off our mind to know that there weren't any other complications other than what we had already known about.

And they started prepping us for the next pregnancy. They don't want us to wait too long before trying again (partly I'd say cause I hit 31 this year) which we were okay with. We didn't want to wait too long, just long enough that we didn't feel that we were having a 'guilt' baby to replace Ashley. They upped my folate because of Ashley's SB so I'm on a much higher dose which I've been taking every day since & need to all through the pregnancy. And then told us to give it a month to kick in & then whenever ready after that, we could start trying again.

Hubby & I have discussed it & we're pretty much ready again. We're still sad about everything but we want to remain positive for next time. And I'm sure we'll be as nervous as well until far into the pregnancy but we do want to add to the family. Ashley will always be our first, nothing will ever change that but we want a bit of good news to share with the family & everyone.

Maybe some time later this year if we're lucky & the cards fall our way for once.

Is Your Cat Trying To Kill You?

2009-03-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

Does not surprise me knowing our dear lil fuzz ball rofl

Love him to death, but he's a menace to society some days.

Baby Goodbye

2009-02-23T04:08:00.000-08:00

My latest tag.
I wanted to make something in memory of Ashley.

Plodding Along

2009-02-23T03:54:00.000-08:00

Just dropping in to let you know that I'm still around & plodding along.
Some days aren't too bad - some days, I just want to curl up in bed & still forget the world.

We're still having some family trouble (which we're getting really, really sick of) but together, hubby & I are hanging on. We talk about it all - Ashley, before, after etc.... Hanging on to the thought that although we didn't get to bring Ashley home, that one day we will walk through that front door with a happy, healthy baby. Sometimes I wish that things were different & that we had more to remember our daughter by than just her birth & death certificate. Because of circumstances, we don't have photos, any clothes, a name bracelett - nothing.

Did Not Want To Know This Way

2009-01-29T01:37:00.000-08:00

Was so not ready for what happened this afternoon.

Hubby & I have just gotten used to the idea of Ashley being our baby that we lost & I wasn't ready yet to have more info than that.

That's why my folks had directed all the paperwork to them, to hold until we felt more emotionally ready to know more. My father had even ticked all the right boxes & filled in the right areas with their address seeing the forms asked was there a different mailing address to be used.

Well, someone stuffed up big time.

I opened the mail today, an unmarked envelope & got the shock of my life to see it was Ashley's birth certificate, sex included. To say I was a blubbering mess was an understatement. I rang my mother who immediatly came round & sat with me. Could see the steam coming out of her ears, not just for what I'd gone through but as she said, how many other couples who'd made the same decisions would open their mail & get the same shock.

So Ashley is no longer just our baby - she was our lil girl.

Hubby & I had wanted a girl so to find out that we had got our wish, only to have her taken away before she was even born makes me so angry & feel like it was so unfair. I gave birth to the daughter we wanted but we didn't get to take her home like we wished & had dreamed about.

My folks were roapable - my mother in fact ringing to make an official complaint seeing that someone didn't give a toss to read the form in the first place (and we can't be the only set of parents who don't immediatly want those reminders around). Dad told hubby what had happened on the way home so he knew I'd opened it but didn't know what sex yet. I gave him the choice whether he wanted to know yet or wait but he chose to know too.

So tired, I'm not just stinking hot & tired cause of this stupid heat wave we're having, I feel like an emotional train wreck. Everything's happened so fast & we were just starting to get that lil bit of emotional stability back, no matter how small. Now, at the moment, I feel like I'm back at square one again. Angry, frustrated & just wishing I had my baby in my arms.

Goodbye My Baby

2009-01-20T02:58:00.000-08:00

Today we went & physically said goodbye to our baby.
Ashley's ashes were scattered out over the lake roughly around 6 this morning, before the memorial park was open.

My folks drove hubby & I out this evening to see the lake. It's pretty and quiet with lots of ducks around. We even saw a lil black swan there. Seeing that now you can't scatter the ashes, it has to be done by the park authority, we were allowed to scatter some rose petals. A family friend was kind enough to give us a lil bag of white ones from her garden. So we did that & got the chance to hug each other, cry & at least get to say a physical good bye.

It was hard & it hurt but I feel lighter for it. It was the last physical thing we had to do. Everything else was done, including all the paper work. Nothing had felt finished though until we knew that the ashes were taken care of & our baby was with our loved ones. I know my grandfathers & grandmother are taking care of Ashley, as are hubby's grandparents.

We've looked into support groups - both home sessions & group. We decided to start with a home one. I guess neither of us really feels ready yet to sit with a group of other parents & talk about it all. But I do want to eventually - I want the comfort that I know will only come from speaking to other mothers who have been through the same loss. My mother has been great - she talks all the time to me when I feel like it & it does ease the pain a lil to be able to talk about it. I can't pretend that Ashley didn't exisit or that I didn't give birth 2 weeks ago. And I'm hoping that eventually hubby might go to a father's group meeting. Only they can know what it's like for him. We're going through this together but it's different for each of us in it's own way. We both had the excitement but I carried Ashley & delivered which is something hubby obviously can't experience. And I don't know what it was like for him - the frustration & helplessness he must have felt & experienced the last few weeks.

So we're plodding along & getting there. Supporting each other & just taking it one day at a time. And we can sleep easier tonight knowing our lil one is in a nice place physically & being cared for & loved by our lost family until we are all together again.

Rough Week

2009-01-15T01:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a long, rough week.

Some days, I feel okay & can have some sort of lil routine. Others it just feels like my heart is broken & like there's a lil evil troll in my chest, twisting in the knife just for fun to see how I'll behave.

The baby next door cries all the time at the moment & Monday, I just had to get away. I couldn't stand listening to the poor lil thing scream it's head off while her mother kept telling her to shut up & shouting at her. And that would be the day that I'd step outside just as a pregnant woman walks past. Talk about a kick in the guts.

And my doctor's appointment yesterday, I thought I was going to die. Sure, I expected to maybe see at least one pregnant woman & maybe a few kids running around but every one (cept for the one man in the waiting room) was either pregnant or had a new born. Well, cept for me & this poor young girl beside me who just burst into tears. She'd had to have a termination at 16 weeks because of genetic problems with her baby. If I hadn't been so focused on comforting her, I probably would have been a bigger mess than she was. Poor thing was only 17 & waiting for her follow up appointment, all alone.

We're waiting at the moment.

Waiting for the funeral park to let us know when they are going to scatter Ashley's ashes (the cremation took place last Friday). Nothing feels even remotely like moving on until the physical side of things is done & we can see the place where our baby will be laid to rest. I don't want to go there, to that lake & look out knowing what we're there for but I know in my heart it's what we need, or at least what I really need to begin to move past any of the last few weeks.

I never told any of my family, because I didn't know myself until after the termination procedure that even though I hadn't felt our lil one kick or make much movement, I must have had the odd jolt as the baby involuntarily moved. Kind of felt just like a lil period cramp but that all stopped after that Friday. I found that night so hard, laying there knowing for sure there was no lil heartbeat even though my body had essentially been the only thing making it beat.

I cry at the littlest thing at the moment & the most stupid things. Not that looking at dirt or a baby in public sends me off the rails but stupid things at home. An add for a baby show on the telly, garbage articles about celebs & their bubs etc... I guess it's the part of me that furiously thinks still how not fair it was that we never had the joyful experience of holding Ashley or really knowing our baby. Especially when there are so many mothers that smoke or drink while pregnant & have perfectly healthy babies or abuse their children.

I know that it's not our fault - that hubby & I aren't to blame for this nasty, cruel trick that I feel nature has played on us. Just hurts so much at the moment like someone poking a stick in an open wound.

Baby Ashley

2009-01-07T01:25:00.001-08:00

Our baby, Ashley arrived around 11pm Monday night.

There was no suffering for our lil one as the termination procedure had worked & the baby arrived still born like we'd hoped & without pain.

Physically, I'm fine & they sent me home yesterday lunchtime. In the end even with the baby in breech position, it was a natural birth & the lovely hospital staff did everything to make sure it was as painless for me as possible. Not that was much comfort when the baby arrived for me after going through a 25 hour labour.

We still didn't see the baby & are glad we didn't - not that it makes things any easier. We're plodding along, both tired emotionally & physically but we're getting through slowly.

My folks are keeping safe for us the birth/death certificate & our memorial choice - the baby's footprints - until we're ready to find out the sex & feel more capable of dealing with things from that angle. We had only just really dealt with the fact that it was a baby, not just a fetus so now we're just dealing with how our baby didn't come home with us like we'd always dreamed.

We decided against a funeral, not wanting any more stress for us or fuss. Ashley will be privately cremated & then later the ashes will be released over the same memorial lake where my grandfather was placed. We opted to make that private too, with the option of just the 2 of us there if we feel up to it.

Procedures & More Decisions

2009-01-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

Our one relief so far in this whole tragedy is that yesterday went off without too much of a hitch & they didn't have to repeat the procedure. With how quickly the drug took, it was clear to them that our bubs would have been one who died during delivery. At least this way, we know that there is no more pain for the poor lil thing.

I'm a bit sore - the result of bubs moving about a minute after they marked me for the procedure & it took them 3 needles & goes to find the spot again but I couldn't fault any of the 3 lovely ladies who were there yesterday (including the nice technician who saw us for the scans on Monday).

Last night was the first night I'd had a decent night's sleep since Christmas Eve which is something I needed mentally & physically.

We did get his by another bomb yesterday though. In the past, under our circumstances the hospital would deal with all the details after birth/death but because I was more than 20 weeks pregnant, it now falls to us. At least we knew we didn't want to make a fuss so after talking with each other, my father made all the arrangements for us. Bubs is going to be cremated & then the ashes released over the lake at one of the local centers - in fact, the same lake where my grandfather's ashes were released. We also had to choose a name. We don't want to know the sex of the baby, we decided so we settled on a neutral name that would do both. So in the end, we decided on Ashley - Ashley Brittain.

And my grandmother, having felt so frustrated & helpless this whole time has refused to let us pay for any of the services. She decided it would be her way of helping us & offered to pay for the cremation & all home services that will be taken care of.

Dates For The Hospital

2008-12-31T14:42:00.000-08:00

Posting now because I know that I will be in no fit state over the next week to do much of anything - physically or mentally.

After our specialist appointment - where we gained the support & approval of our new OB, the pediatrician from the Children's Hospital & the psychiatrist, our case had to be put toward their unit board. It went through there no problems (which none of them expected any) & then we knew we'd have to wait while the case went to the main hospital board. We were told we'd know Friday afternoon but our case went forward yesterday morning & gained approval.

So tomorrow is the day. I go in for both needle procedures first. The one that will make sure bub's passes peacefully, without pain or suffering on birth & then the one to drain the fluid from the head. At this stage, bub's head is too big for delivery & if possible, they want to avoid a c section as of course, I am their main priority seeing there was never anything they could do to save the baby. I hate needles with a huge passion so that tells you how much we've thought about our options (none of them nice) & still decided this is the most humane result for all 3 of us - hubby, me & bubs.

It turned out the damage to bubs was more extensive than they had first thought & not only would bub's be paralysied from at least the waist down with no function - leg or organs but although the brain had developed normal, a clot in the spinal cord is what caused the fluid to build so much that essentially, it has totally destroyed almost all the brain tissue. So as they said, for all mental purposes, bubs is brain dead.

Then I go back Sunday to be induced. Not looking forward to that at all (I don't know anyone who wants their first born delivery to be to a dead baby) but at 34-35 weeks, it's the only option. Just our luck with the whole horrible nightmare we've gone through the last week, bubs has floated around & is in a breech birth position (or as our family calls, doing a Gareth as my middle brother was a breech birth baby). Bub's is even in the same position that my brother was - butt first. So I guess whether it ends up being natural or not will depend on all the scans etc.. and whether bub's floats around a bit more between now & the end of the weekend.

Hubby & I had done our crying from the shock & realising bubs was gone but I'm pretty sure this weekend is going to be harder than we had first through, even though we feel secure in the knowledge that this is the best thing for us & bubs. I'm packing myself about tomorrow - more so than Sunday. Sunday, I know what to expect either way no matter which method I end up giving birth by. Tomorrow, is the hard part cause that's when the decision we made comes into play & then I know that until birth, bubs is gone. Pain free, yes but we know that for sure bubs will be a still birth (which we had 95% of chance of delivering anyway we were told when they gave us all the info & odds).

My MIL, my folks just want to kick up the bum. First, she blamed my FIL for now knowing exactly what was going on. I think hubby found it much harder to tell his parents than I did (my parents were called immediatly when we got the scan results cause I wanted my mother there as well as hubby, which I'm sure a lot of other people would want). He gave them the basics - that there was too much wrong with bubs & that for all purposes, bubs was already dead. That's what he told his mother & he told his father the same thing.

Then my FIL tells my mother that my MIL needs support from us cause she's not coping with it all. You could see the steam coming out of my mother's ears. As she told him, none of them were there to help her cope - hubby, me & my health were the main priority now & that the rest of the family was going through the exact same thing she was (I'm very close to my family - much closer than hubby is to his) & that they all managed to see us as the number one priority. She has a psychiatrist, she's got friends etc.... she's got her own form of support if she wants it without making thinks harder for hubby & I at the moment. I don't think I was far behind mum or my father in anger.

She's not coping? How does she think I've felt the last week, walking around with all my pregnancy symptoms still knowing that the baby is technically not alive? That's been the worst part of it for me - not making any of the decisions cause once I accepted there was no hope, I knew I'd have the tough choices to make. But to lie there at night & feel the odd twinge of my stomach as either bubs turned or my skin tightened knowing that although bubs was physically growing, would never make it? She should think about that before she started putting forward all her ideas of options etc... She's already weighed in her knowledge of what we will do after the birth. Creating this circus freakshow talking about chaplin's, blessings etc.... Hubby & I are not religious & if we wanted any form of guidance like that, we'd contact the family friend who married us before thinking of anything else. Because we've made the choice, the hospital deals with 99% of those issues because of the circumstances which I'm relieved about. I will not let anyone turn this into a sideshow attraction, least of all her & no one else in the family has even attempted to. She wants to be there for everything, sprout her oppinion about everything including at first about whether bubs had other options (you can't change brain dead!), upset everyone all over again etc....

None of this is about her - it's about me, hubby & bubs. She'll have to accept that & leave the decisons to us. I feel all of us - including bubs deserve better than a circus affair.

Thank You

2008-12-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to leave a quick thanks, thanking all my lovely friends for their emails & support for what hubby & I are going through at the moment.

Without them & our family, it would make everything so much harder than it already is to deal with.

Stupid things are making me cry at the moment - like when the bub next door started crying yesterday morning. Or when we were watching the Dog Whisperer on a pay tv channel & they kept showing previews for a show about pregnancy & maternity. They're stupid every day things but at the moment, they just make my heart break. They're things that I guess I should expect for the next few weeks while we're going through everything.

I'm finding it hard at the moment to know that although physically bubs is still with me & of course, I'm still having all my pregnancy symptoms but that technically, they're already gone. I think hubby's still have a bit of the same. When I've been changing, he always looks at my belly, as if not quite sure whether to believe what we've been told. Not that I'd put on much weight being bigger anyway cept for that my belly is now more curvy.

And the days are passing so slow!

It feels like forever until Tuesday. Part of me just wants it over & done with so I can then try to piece together the pieces of my heart.

We have decided that we are not going to be scared off when it comes to trying again but we're going to take more precautions when we decided we are ready to think about it again. Not wait to find out & already have me on vitamins & folic acid. Plus, after our false negatives regardless of results we've decided to add the extra cost & test every month. Not that we're going to get anal about trying to conceive - we're still only 29/30 & that takes the fun out of anything anyway. We just want to feel better in ourselves that we've done everything we possibly could, even though there was nothing that we could have done for this baby - they just weren't meant to be ours.

Baby Update

2008-12-25T12:35:00.000-08:00

And it's not a good one by a long shot.

I had my first (and last) scan on Wednesday.

Turns out I've been pregnant for months & had no idea. I kept having periods, had no other symptoms. I had even in that time frame had 2 tests - a home one & a blood test which had both given negative results when I had in fact been about 3 months pregnant! It was discovered that I was in fact 33 weeks!

But there are issues with the baby.

Issues common but issues that mean it is technically brain dead. I am the only thing keeping it alive at the moment but once born, it wouldn't live.

I have been referred for a late term temination which scares the crap out of me but the alternative if I'd waited to see the OB that I had been recommended to scares me even more. By that stage, I could have already gone into labour & delivered a dead baby. That scared & frightened both hubby & I more than any alternative.

The only consulation we have at the moment is the issues, were not created by anything we did or didn't do. Apparently, it's a freak of nature that is more common than people like to talk about, we've been told by more than one person in the medical profession. As upset as we are, that is the only bright spot knowing that it wouldn't have mattered how many weeks, the result would have been the same.

I have appointments already at the women's hospital for scans Monday & to see a specialist Tuesday so I'm sure that Tuesday/Wednesday will be the day.

Bubs, Birthdays & Malcolm

2008-12-11T15:49:00.000-08:00

Just a quickie:)
Busy couple of weeks between docs appointments (bub & I are both doing well so far) & getting ready for this weekend.

My father is turning 60 - today is his actual birthday - so we're having all the family & friends round tomorrow for a bbq. Dad is not allowed near it (he's the charcoal king lol) so hubby is cooking:)

And of course, I've been tagging as usual:)
Posting my latest scrap one here:)
Scrap kit I used is called 'Lavender Kitty' by Christon & can be purchased HERE

Computers, Christmas & Babies

2008-11-29T19:04:00.000-08:00

Finally got the computer up & running again:) With 90% of my stuff intact (I learnt that lesson my last crash when I lost everything - including my writing). So I'm back to my email, tagging & finally pixelling this week.

From the bad news at the start of the month, we're ending the month on a high:)

Hubby has a 3 month promotion just in time for Christmas with the prospect of it being permenant as well as 2 other jobs coming up in the near future he can apply for. Was the best timing we could have hoped for after I left the basketball & we lost that extra lil bit towards pressies.

And from a high, to a sky high:)

We found out this week that we're expecting! This will be our first child so we're both excited, as are our folks & family. My grandma is over the moon - she's been waiting since we got married to make her a great grandma lol So far, things are going well & I've been luck enough to manage to avoid a lot of sickness which makes things easier.

Start Of November

2008-11-10T00:58:00.000-08:00

Been a busy couple of weeks.

Have had hubby home on leave. He went back to work today.

We celebrated our 5th anniversary on the 1st of this month.

My 2nd hard drive crashed and I lost everything on it.

All my tubes, tags, pixels etc.... pretty much everything.

So it's been one of those months so far lol

Tag - Wicked

2008-10-02T18:22:00.001-07:00

Showing off one of my latest tags:)

Getting into the Halloween spirit - even though we don't celebrate halloween here lol

A Bit Of This, A Bit Of That

2008-10-02T18:07:00.001-07:00

Okay - I got beaten with the lazy stick last month lol
Was a busy one really & things are just starting to slow down.

Last 2 weeks, I've had sinus problems on & off. Gotta love Spring! But they're all under control for the moment so getting around more.

I had my birthday pressie just over 2 weeks ago:)
Hubby & I stayed over night in Melbourne & he took me to see Wicked. I absoloutly loved it & if I could afford to, would go again lol So I've been driving him batty every since lol

Unfortunatly, this week the chap who played the Wizard, Rob Guest passed away. He was in the first show my parents ever took me to see & I saw him in the role of the Phantom. For a 13 year old who was a choir geek & I loved performing, I have admired him ever since so it's been a sad week. It's hard to think that just over 2 weeks ago, we were watching him on stage & now he's gone. My sympathies are so with his entire family.

Basketball - do not get me started!
The basics are that my brother was screwed over by the club he was going to & now he's old one pretty much screwed him over. Result is that the family has taken a united front & we're all walking. Sure, it's an extra $60 a fortnight that I no longer have in my pocket but I'm not one for club politics & if that's the way it's going to be & vendettas are going to run the club, I'd rather cut back on spending & be out. My family comes first & I don't like to see any of them hurt & when you have to stuff around a young man who loves to be involved at the club, you've got bigger issues at hand. I'm a big believer in karma & as they do say, karma is a bitch when it finally arrives.
I don't hold a grudge against everyone obviously - we've made some good friends through the club - but in general, we are no longer involved in any shape or form as of this morning.

Just the drama we need leading up to Christmas lol

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-08-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

Uuuggghhhh

Blogger did the disappearing text trick again!

Too tired to redo the whole entry I did.

Pretty much, turned 30 yesterday & had a nice day with family.

Will be doing the email/myspace/forum/facebook thing & replying to those lovely friends I have who sent me birthday wishes:)

Hugs

Movies, Books & Free Time

2008-07-22T04:51:00.000-07:00

Been a bit since I've posted.
Was spending some time with hubby, the furbabies (my Malcolm) and my family.

Last week, we went to the movies twice.
Wednesday night to see The Dark Knight. Awesome movie & we're both lining up to go again, as are my brothers & father lol Was exciting to go opening night - also means that no one can spoil the plot line for us either lol
And Sunday, my folks treated me to an early birthday present & shouted me a gold class movie when they went so caught Mamma Mia that afternoon. I'm no Abba fan but I really enjoyed the movie.

Been trying to finish the book I've been reading (cause I know I'll want to drop it like a hot cake when Breaking Dawn comes out in less than 2 weeks lol)

In Bed & Nothing To Read

2008-07-08T04:34:00.000-07:00

It so drives me batty when I'm stuck in bed for this long lol

So far, it's been 4 days with this bug thing & looks like it will be at least another one.

One difference - now I have nothing to read lol

My mother got me hooked - it's all her fault!

When she went away the other weekend, she bought a couple of new books, passing one of them onto me saying that I'd enjoy it more cause it read just like something I would have read in HS.

Yeah, she so knows me lol

So last Thursday night (no work - yay!) it was freezing cold & I cuddled up in bed with 'Twilight' by Stephenie Meyer. Decided Friday evening when I finished it that I couldn't wait for mum to read the next one first so bought it Saturday morning. Good call seeing I ended up sick that night. Stuck in bed, nothing to do but read & finished that Sunday night lol

Poor hubby, spent his Monday lunchtime hunting down a copy of 'Eclipse' for me yesterday lol I tell you, it was like searching for the holy grail! Had so much trouble in our local area finding it & he got the last copy at the place he looked in. I think he partly did it so that he'd know I'd stay in bed & not be tempted to go out & about in the cold (not the best with a flu bug). Yep, good move because between last night & this evening, I finished that one too lol

Tired, Tired

2008-07-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I keep up the tagging thing?

Takes time, effort etc.... and some days I just think why bother?

Especially days like today.

I got tired of sending reminders to so many places that about a month ago, decided it was just easier to delete. 2 months is plenty of time to pick up, right? If someone really wants it, they'll pick up - or request in one of the forums I belong to if they miss out. But you can't win no matter what you do. If you keep reminding, you're a nag & if you just delete, you get abused.

All I have to say is thank god for a couple of groups I belong to (and they would know which ones they are lol).

I get so tired of it all.

At the moment, I'm tired a lot & family life sometimes seems to be piling itself on top.

Hubby & AA is going well, so that's one thing that's not a problem:) He's going to his meetings & even had the sense to leave a work function when it became nothing more than a booze up. He'll be 1 year sober in a few months:)

He's doing much better on his meds but some days are up & down, depending on work. His meds are up for review with his next shrink appointment & he thinks they may put him on the same one as his brother (lower dose). Comes with less side effects which will be good. He packed on about 20kg overnight with the current one - not from him changing anything, just the gain & water retention that comes with the tablet. Not really something else he wanted on top of the standard effects from the drugs.

My 'baby' brother is having a good few weeks with his CF.

Of that, I'm glad cause my mother hasn't been well the last couple of weeks. Not to mention all the basketball crap she's dealt with. Will be glad when she hands in her resignation in a couple of weeks.

But unfortunatly, he's having troubles with his lil basketball team. The good thing is he's made up his decision of what to do next year (he's decided to go back to coaching the boys & not girls). Feel sorry for the crap they put him through - the parents. They see him as a child, someone they can boss around & mould into who they want to be as coach. But he's not a child - he's a young man of 21 & sure knows more about the sport than the parents put together. You don't spend your early years striving to play Vic Championship level (which he did achieve before he got injured & sick) & know nothing about the sport.

Such is the end of the first month of winter lol

And we had a false alarm. It's not exactly the best time for us yet but can't help feeling disappointed. Maybe next time.

Siggy Piggies Rock!

2008-07-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Lucky night -

Nothing for a month & then 2 entries in one night lol

Just wanted to post a tagging update:) Made a few new pixel ones (will be updating that part tomorrow sometime) & made a few standard ones. This one in particular is one of my new favs:)

Hugs

Been Busy

2008-07-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

Been busy for awhile.

We've been doing a couple of things to the house. Like having the massive tree in our front yard removed before we really hit winter. Good move too seeing we had massive winds last night. Next door's tree fell instead - taking half the fence between them & us in the process.

And the new front door went in. Yay - no draft anymore. The silly twits we bought the house from had just bought any door & playned the top down to fit (great job they did too seeing we were getting drafts from the top & bottom). Not to mention it wasn't as wide as it should be. Now we have a nice, new front door.

And we've had family planning trips.

My grandmother has gone to the NT to stay with her sister for a couple of months. She's been there now for about 3 weeks & will be home in another 5. She hates flying so my folks & I took her to the airport & we're all going up to pick her up when she returns.

And my mother in law has gone off to Ireland, Scotland & Brittain for 4 weeks. She's been gone 2 weeks come this weekend. The only thing that has miffed me about that is my father & brother in law. They've been whinging about how she always says she's broke but found the $10,000 for her trip. Now, she's been talking about saving & taking this trip for as long as I've known hubby which is 11 years come this December. I certainly don't begrudge her a trip she's been dreaming of & saving for. She's not reportable to either of them.

Want to change my layout so will probably do that over the next few days when I can find the time. Want something a bit more colourful & cheerful seeing it's cold & gloomy here at the moment lol

I Died In My Dream.....

2008-05-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

You know how they say that if you die in your dreams, you die?
Well, I can tell you from my experience that is not what happens.

I unfortunatly had the nasty pleasure of having the worst dream that I've had for ages last night that I could remember.

Seemed to be like any other dream.
I was out with hubby somewhere, we were enjoying ourselves & having a good day. Lovely place with huge glass windows at the front of the building. Don't know where etc... all I know is that I wanted to be there & we were having fun.
Hubby went off to get something & then the next 15 seconds before I woke up were the worst I'd felt for ages in a dream.
Then there was just gun fire. I ducked down. 1,2,3,4 & then 5 people were brought down. Then in the few seconds after that who ever it was, was above me. I can remember saying 'please no, my baby' & then that was it. A barrell & it was all over. I can tell you one thing, it was NOT a nice feeling to have in a dream. It's something I can't even really describe.

Well, that did in my sleep for the rest of the night (which wouldn't have helped with my headache all day). I'm used to having strange or scary dreams but I'm never usually in them so it's put me out of sorts all day really.

Wonder what a dream interpretation would say about all of that?
Thought I'd check later tonight & see what. So watch this space - I'll post a follow up when I have something to add.

Crazy For My Cat

2008-05-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

Been a scrapping again:)

The most recent pic of Malcolm.

Takens just a couple of weeks ago lol

He had himself wedged between my portable DVD player & the laptop on my bed at the time.

Scrapkit is called 'Pretty Kitty'

By Kay Miller

Top Of The Ladder

2008-05-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well, after a ton of practice & grading matches, the official rep ball season started 5 weeks ago so Friday nights, my brother has been running backwards & forwards to his matches.

Friday night, they won - their 4th game in a row:)

So currently, his lil girls Mornington 2 are sitting in 1st position in their section.

He's so proud of them:)

He's tough on them, but fair & he never raises his voice to them.

He's had parents question him a couple of times - when what he's done has been the right thing to do. Such as the night one of his girls got hurt & the ref did nothing so he called a timeout & spoke to the ref seeing there was a patch on the floor that needed to be gone over. And it was not just his girls he was worried about either - he didn't want to see the other team slip & hurt themselves either.

And most recently, when one of his girls was taken down & hit her head so hard on the floor it bounced. The ref that was right beside her did nothing (even though the buzzer had just gone). All he did was grin at her & grin at my brother - big mistake. As he said, what was so funny about her hitting her head. She was lucky she didn't end up concussed she hit it that hard. Seems silly that parents get worried about him having words with the refs when it's always over the safety of the girls - they just think that the ref will then penalise the girls during the game for my brother talking to them about important issues.

They've got a hard game next week.

The team sitting just below them.

But it will be good for them. They've had easy games so far with the teams they've played. They need a good, competative game to really get them going. He's kinda hoping they lose so that he can give them a goal to strive for to beat them next time they meet. He doesn't want their heads getting too big lol Cause he knows then they get lazy with their games & their training.

So we're 4 games down, a long way to go till the end of the season lol

The only thing I know is with these giggling girls, he's going to have a fun & silly ride but hopefully a very rewarding one for them all:)

Gothic Rose Tag

2008-04-29T19:33:00.000-07:00

I've had my Jessica tubes for a long time & finally used them the other day.

I just had to post this tag.

It's so me - goth & fantasy in the one tag lol

Feeling Sad - Uugghh Blogger!

2008-04-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

Uuggh I've had it with blogger.
I'd just typed an entry, was about to save it & the screen flashed & lost it all.
I just HATE it when that happens.

Anyway, I don't feel like typing it out all again so pretty much the short of it is:
Everyone seems to be pregnant this month.
If I hadn't been sick etc... last year, would have welcomed Baby Brittain this month.
Feeling sad & down.

There's the short of it.

If My Cat Was A Star....

2008-04-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

Suits Malcolm to a T lol

Especially these 2 parts:

'Malcolm knows that he trots a fine line between funny and stupid, but he doesn't care—he's laughing about it all the way to the pet store'

'Malcolm is more of a General Lee type than a Knight Rider, but give him enough time to think things through and he's sure to find a way to wreck both vehicles at the same time'

Yep, that's our baby cat all right lol But we love his lil butt anyway:)

Imagine

2008-04-15T18:06:00.001-07:00

Imagine you and me
Together forever
Imagine you and me
Promising to part, never

Take my hand my dear
And hold me close tonight
For if I know that you're with me
When I wake tomorrow, it will be alright

Sick - Again!

2008-04-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's exactly it.

Sore head. Sore throat.

Felt fine up until last night. Was fine Thursday & Friday while hubby was away. Felt fine Saturday when I worked & that evening when we went out for tea with my folks. Felt fine yesterday - even went to a baby shower in the afternoon.

Came home & about 90 minutes later, just collapsed into bed. So won't be going far today but thank god for laptops lol Cause no way do I feel like moving & I sure wouldn't get away with it. Hubby's working from home so he'd kick my bum all the way back to bed lol

Easter Break

2008-03-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

Hope that you're all having a good Easter weekend:)

Quiet one here -

My mother in law is ill so she won't be down until next weekend.

That started a barney between hubby & his brother cause she was going to come down still but hubby told her to stay home, look after herself & we'd see her next weekend. His brother cracked it cause he'd have to wait an extra week for chocolate.

Hubby had a peak in his depression Thursday.

He's got an appointment on Wednesday with his psychiatrist & when he originally told his father, his father said well if he was in 'that type of mood' they wouldn't be round over the Easter break.

Really miffed me that did - then hubby says that he told him he was joking. That's NOT a funny joke by a long shot if you ask me. Especially seeing hubby spent all of Thursday night thinking about that. Idon't know what on earth possessed his father thinking that telling someone with depression who is already feeling bad enough something like that was funny. So we are seeing them tomorrow now.

And we're having the usual dinner with my folks tonight:)

A bbq we decided seeing we're having a nice weekend. At least my parents generally make holidays uncomplicated. They're happy to fit in with us & they don't change around plans, leave it to the last minute etc...

I have to admitt, that has always been one of my pet hates.

I like to know what I'm doing more than 48 hours before the holiday season.

BFG Addict lol

2008-03-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Okay - I have a problem lol

I know most people who play games online are into playing over at Pogo but me, I'm a Big Fish Games addict myself lol Especially playing 'Unwell Mel' and 'Big Fish Slots'.

http://www.bigfishgames.com

I should probably be doing something a bit more intellectual with my time - such as reading - but it's like a pringal's chip - once you start, you can't stop lol

This & That - But Mainly Basketball

2008-03-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a quiet month this month pretty much so far - cept for the money excitement at the start of the month.

My brother's lil girls are in the section he wanted them to be in. They worked so hard & deserve it. Just cause they're listed as the number 2 team, doesn't mean they should always be 2nd & not strive for the best lil team they can be. Next week, the real season starts & he's got high expectations. They are ranked number 1 going into the real season in that section & he's hoping they'll finish that way too & take out the title in metro 4.

And still in the basketball thing - lol - the NBL finished up on Friday night, among all the cursing, yelling, cheering & baracking that was going on at my folks place lol And we took out the title! So for the 2nd time in 3 years, the Melbourne Tigers are the champions.

Went to the flicks tonight with hubby for the first time in almost 2 months which is unusual for us lol But there really hasn't been much on down this way. At least, not really worth seeing. Sometimes I wonder why they even have a Europa cinema (which is meant to be for independant/small budget non mainstream movies & foreign movies) when all we get is standard stuff & miss out on the sorts of things they should be showing - and it hasn't been for lack of them out either. We just didn't get any of them. Or they show them for about a week & then take them off. Meet The Spartans & Run Fatboy, Run aren't exactly what I would put there lol

Money - DENIED

2008-03-03T22:27:00.000-08:00

Obviously, it was too much to ask to get paid for my working.

Last night, they decided instead to have a committee member & 3 ref advisors to help out (they better not be getting paid cause that would cost much more than just the extra that I should have been getting).

So I'm angry & upset.

What I would earn would NOT break the bank - $50 a week (we pull in over $1000 game night we're there after refs have been paid etc....). For me, it's a phone bill or petrol in my car for 2 weeks. I've been there for so long that now, I just feel like all I am is their free labour.

I'm less than impressed with that, I can tell you.

If You're Working, You Should Be Paid, Right?

2008-03-02T01:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently not according to some people where I am.

Since I was at university (we're talking over 5 years here) I've been working one evening a week down at a local basketball club with my mother as a doorkeeper. Not only have I enjoyed being there most of the time but we work very efficiantly together.

The club has now moved seeing they built their own courts. There is now twice as much work to do, which the other doorkeepers who work with only one of them are finding it hard to do & with the extra courts, we ourselves have been busy from the time we kick off until the last game finishes.

The president of the club as well as some of the committee believe that it shouldn't be a halved wage with the 2 of us working but that we should both be getting paid. Well, it was tried this week - they make a profit of over $1000 on the nights we work & one of the office ladies had a go at one of the committee members because I was paid. Mind you, it's $50 for the hole night - less than minimum wage an hour & she begrudged me getting that.

If I'm there doing the job, why shouldn't I get paid for it? I work my bum off from the time I'm there until the games finish. Mind you, this is partially cause the standard office fob off some of their time consuming jobs (such as ringing teams etc...) onto us which with one person would just NOT get done during those times. Not to mention we shouldn't be doing them in the first place seeing we're not getting paid extra for it.

I'm really ticked that this poor woman copped it all because she was trying to do the right thing by me. She is not well at the moment & doesn't need that crap to begin with but she's been fighting for me to get my fair share for ages. With all the greediness, logging extra hours for doing nothing etc.... that goes on in other sections there to have people not want me getting paid for doing my share makes me feel like I shouldn't even bother at all & I wouldn't anymore if I didn't know it would be harder on my mother & some of the others who do the right thing.

List Of Two

2008-02-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

Two names you go by:

Kerrin

Moon / Devil Angel

Two things you are wearing right now:

Knickers

My elmo nightie

Two of your fav things to do:

PSP

Write

Two things you want very badly at the moment:

Sleep lol

My brother to get well

Two fav pets you have/or had:

Malcolm (he's my baby lol)

Pedro

Two people who will fill this out:

Crystal - cause I know she already has lol

And I dunno who else

Two things you did last night:

Read

Watched Numbers on the telly with mum

Two things you ate today:

McDonalds (was a rush around day so we were lazy lol)

Vegemite toast

Two people you last talked to on the phone:

Mum

My brother, Gaz

Two things you're doing tomorrow:

Feeding Malcolm (that's gotta happen lol)

Visiting my youngest brother at the hospital

Two longest car rides:

From Melbourne to Queensland

When we drove around NZ

Two fav holidays:

Christmas

Halloween (even though we don't celebrate it here in Aus)

Two fav beverages:

Apple mineral water

Pepsi Max

Dead Land

2008-02-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

I make way too many tags to show them all off lol
But this is my fav at the moment:)
In fact, I think I may get an inkling in a couple of weeks to change it to my blog layout seeing I love the creepy lol

Michael Calandra's tubes can be purchased through My PSP Tubes.

The accent poser tubes are from my membership at Outlaw By Design.
And the tutorial I asked for the basis of the tag is called 'Vamp' from Addictive Pleasures.

A Kid At Heart On A Wild Ride

2008-02-12T22:26:00.000-08:00

I'm a kid at heart & have no intention of growing up any time soon lol

Not if the cost is losing the part of me that means my imagination goes into hibernation & I miss out on all sorts of adventures lol

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love to read.

And one of my favs to read is James Patterson.

My mother got me hooked first with the Alex Cross books & I haven't looked back lol

The reason I say I'm a 'kid at heart' is that I wish when I was a teen we had fantastic books to read like he has created Maximum Ride for teens. Yep, here I am 10 years out of my teens but I'm loving the adventures of his winged flock.

I can't wait for the next installment to come out next month:)

So often now, people think that to 'grow up' we need to lose that lil voice inside us that strives for adventure & seeks it out in our creative minds. If that's true, well I'm never growing up cause to give up having them, is not on my agenda lol

Anyway, anyone looking for a good read that isn't going to hurt the brain but will take you on a wild ride, I highly recommend having a read (I'm going back to read the first 3 books before the next one is out).

And for an entertaining read, if you're a fan I suggest checking out Fang's blog HERE. If you're a fan of the books, you'll love it:)

Shower Time!

2008-02-11T05:34:00.000-08:00

Been one of those quiet weeks.
You know, those ones where you're just waiting for something to go wrong. Or hoping some ugly guy is going to ring your doorbell & say 'hey guess what? You're now a millionaire!' lol

No such luck lol
But we started the week with a laugh.

I spent part of the morning drying off the cat with the hair dryer lol
Yep, Malcolm crazy lil bugger that he is decided to 'take a shower' this morning when I did. It shouldn't surprise me - not the first time he's followed me in & it's not the first time he's ended up in water.
In our last rental property, he'd sit on the corner of the bath, even after he had gotten much too big for it and would then be horrified when he fell in. We're talking multiple figures with that adventure lol

I would have thought that being a cat - and cats hating water - that he would have learnt by the age of just over 2 & after over 18 months with us the places where if he follows, it's going to result in him ending up looking like a dishrag lol

Showing Some CatTitude

2008-02-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

Our furbaby, Malcolm showing us what for.
There's so much attitude in that lil fuzzy body of his lol

Scrap kit used is called CatTitude by Melissa. You can find her new scraps at Sentimental Style.

Happy Australia Day

2008-01-26T16:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Australia Day to anyone else who is also from Aus & celebrating the day:)

We're not doing much - running around after my brother & his lil girls:)

His U12 rep ball team are playing in the big Dandenong/Eltham basketball tournament so we're running backwards & forwards to games.

So far, they've played 2 games. They lost the first by 5 points - partially due to poor defence & partially due to the fact the other team wouldn't tell one of their girls that she fouled off so they ignored the foul. No one minds losing fair & square but hey, 5 fouls & your off. It doesn't matter how old you are. And they had another one early afternoon which will boost their confidence going into their game tonight. They won 21-2. They're going to have a toughie tonight but I have my fingers crossed for the lil devils lol

Hubby is now home for 2 weeks on leave.

We have a busy week for most of next week but after that, I'l sure he'll drive me batty lol He's one of these people that can't sit still for too long so after a week, it will be like the lil kids get before going back to school after summer holidays lol

New Year, New Blog

2008-01-14T02:49:00.000-08:00

New year - new blog.
I'm generally bad at keeping blogs up to date but I'm going to give it another shot:)

I've gotten back into my writing.
Left a ton of my yahoo groups so I had more time to write and with my family.
Intend to keep it that way this year and to hopefully keep adding to my site and keeping up with the few groups/forums I have chosen to stay a part of.

Our babies are doing well.
Malcolm is now 2 and a lot different from the frightened kitten who liked to bite and scratch when we first saved him from the shelter. He is now full of love and energy.
Kiah is doing well - approaching the 6 months that the vet had first given her before cancer would spread through her little nose. She is still going strong and could easily double that with the love and attention she gets now.

Hubby and I reach 5 years married this year.
And last year was hard. The last 6 months have been hard - the alcohol, the pills and hubby's work but we've muddles through. He starts 4 days a week at the office next week, is now only taking his anti depresent meds and is in AA twice a week. I was releaved and both proud that he made it through both the Christmas season and the New Year without even looking at a bottle or glass of anything.

So this year is a blank slate.
We're getting all personal business back on track and that should be okay over the next couple of months.
Last year, we had been talking about children but the last 6 months & me being sick etc.... put all that on hold. Maybe later this year we can look at that side of adding to the family again.